i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
