Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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