Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
