gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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