I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
