he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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