ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
