I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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