How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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