epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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