im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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