Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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