we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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