If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
