census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
