do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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