here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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