Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
