It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
