evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
