i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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