dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
