I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
