tell your sister to shave her snatch
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
