my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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