Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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