so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Sext me about skeletons
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
