you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I forgot how hot balto sounded
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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