I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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