2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
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