hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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