I wish I could punch you in the face.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
What a dumb baby whore.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
