she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize