well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize