You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
