checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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