There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
