I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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