there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
