All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
this hospital has no fireball
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
