Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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