im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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