Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
