Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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