its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
