please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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