i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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