the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
