I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
