Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
