the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
