I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
