i don't plan on having that self control this summer
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
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