Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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