my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
it's great music for shaving your balls
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
