o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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