also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
