do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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